The First Juan (pun intended)

You would have thought that by now I'd know better than to let someone set me up on a blind date, but I'm apparently a slow learner. So, when a family friend told me she had "just the guy", I figured it certainly couldn't get any worse. Enter Juan. As I'm typing this, it's finally occurring to me (YEARS later...I really must be a slow learner) that he might have just been looking for a green card...but I digress. So, Juan is given my phone number and Juan calls me. And Juan's very first comment to me is "Just so you know, I'm looking to get married." Eh, okay, why not. Enter hours and hours of phone conversations, mostly in Spanish, and yet we never seemed to quite be on the same page about anything...a problem WAY worse than a language barrier, which we coincidentally also didn't have. But perhaps that's because his favorite topic of conversation revolved around "anyone who had a name that ended in 'ez' mean that they were Jewish!" Uh, good to know, I guess, but how many times is that conversation necessary?!? And so things continued, but mostly because I had nothing else going on anyway. Then one night we went out for coffee, and not even Juan Valdez or all the coffee in Central America could have redeemed that experience. So we sat across the table from each other at Starbucks, while he told me his entire life story which involved large quantities of drugs and alcohol. Because nothing says "I'm a quality guy" like "I used to be a drug addict". Good grief. And when he was finally finished and I was feeling sufficiently awkward and uncomfortable, he launched into a tirade about my not telling him everything I've ever done wrong, and clearly that makes me not a genuine person. Excuse me, what?! "Well, would you look at the time..." So the most awkward man on earth follows me out to my car, tries to hug me and says "let's do this again sometime." Oh yeah, that's definitely gonna happen for you. RIGHT! And yet, he just kept calling and calling and calling. Let's think about this smart guy...you TOTALLY insult me and then can't figure out why I don't want to marry you (yeah, that apparently was still on the table for him!)...WOW. I guess Juan is going to have to find his green card elsewhere. And I swear of blind dates, AGAIN.